Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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