im having a threesome with these popsicles
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
