I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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