how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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