I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
