Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
