New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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