If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize