Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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