everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
