Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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