Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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