If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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