I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
