i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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