we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
