he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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