seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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