Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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