lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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