a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
did i walk over a car last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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