my soul wont recognize me after tonight
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
