I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize