i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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