census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
