I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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