You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
