i was born a porn star she said
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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