Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
