I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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