$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
