I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
