the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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