I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
