I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
