I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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