i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
