That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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