Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
