Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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