I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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