You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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