She announced her abortion via fbk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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