just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
