"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
