T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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