So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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