Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
