I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
