your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
