Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've blown a few things in my day
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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