literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
