wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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