Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
