I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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