remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
they need to just BURY HIM!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
