I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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