I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
