cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
