My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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