he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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